It's Calm In My Head

why am I not worried?

For weeks now I have been grappling with the "what's next?" question in my head. From when I moved out of my home at seventeen to now, I have always had something to work toward. A college degree, gainful employment, committed relationship, motherhood, a home, publishing a book and, writing a memoir.

The memoir while not in a book form has been set free in the form of the documentary. I have pivoted away from 'I want to tell my story' to 'is my story really worth sharing?'. With two kids on the cusp of adulthood and the third reaching teenage, I am finally realizing what I know about raising children isn't even scratching the surface.

It is rare for me to not have something lined up in my head when the itch for change starts. This time though, there is nothing. The blog has run its course. Publishing has been experimented with and abandoned. I enjoy writing. I enjoy the cadence of words when I try to bring a feeling into life. I am no longer seeking an audience for it.

Photo by Jernej Graj on Unsplash

I am still fascinated by Asian cultures (Korean and Chinese for now). Travel is appealing until I start thinking about cost and logistics. It's strange to be at crossroads not knowing which way I want to go.

“If you are depressed you are living in the past.

If you are anxious you are living in the future.

If you are at peace you are living in the present.”

― Lao Tzu

This quote made its way on my timeline and it struck me perhaps for the first time in my life I am living in the moment. It is strange, this placidity. I miss the chatter, the constant feeling of movement in my head. It is not that there is nothing to agonize over, it just feels like there is no point to it all.

So, for a fleeting moment in time, I am floating along, being present, participating and, just existing.